A couple of you know what I have been going through these past couple of months. It wasn't easy. It was full of confusion, drama, stupidity, fun...you name it. But it was something that needed to happen. I realized what I have and what I want.

A while back ago Kee and I pushed back the wedding. At that point it was decided that we weren't going to get married in May and we, no, I, wasn't trying to talk about setting another date. I felt a like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders once that was decided. He was hurt and we barely talked or saw each other. And of course there were other things going on too, things that Mary & Caroline know about.

So after I finally got my head out of my ass...I realized that I missed Kee. I missed what we had. I realized that I had a wonderful person who loved me for me and actually put up with my crap. That's huge. And, even though I get annoyed with little things...I never got sick of him after 9 years. I realized I didn't want to be with anyone else but him and how good I actually had it.

So a couple of weeks ago I told him all this. And all he did was smile. And I swear I saw saw tears although he may deny it. I told him I want to marry him. He slid that ring back on my left hand and asked "will you marry me again and spend the rest of your life with me?" and of course I said "yes...I do." :)

And here I am now. Re-thinking of all things wedding, making it about him and me b/c I lost sight of that through the first time around. Today we are going to look at a venue in Livermore nestled in the wineries. We are both in love with this venue and are thinking if we book it, our new wedding date will be Saturday, October 23, 2010. It will be the fall wedding that I wanted with the colors I wanted. It will be the type of venue he wanted. So we will see.

I just want to thank my sister and Mary for being so supportive and being the awesome MOH/BM that you are. Never once did you judge me and you let me follow my heart and supported me the entire way. Love you.

And Caroline...Congrats to you and Chris on your engagement. I am thrilled for you. And now I feel bad for giving him a hard time everytime I have gone over there. I think it would be fun to go through the wedding planning process with you. And I have a question to ask you when I see you next. :)

That's it folks.

UMMM...hi can Caroline and Mary please update?! KGREATTHANKS.

The other night I had my first code on my own. I had one patient. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I had a feeling that something was going to happen that night. He was cruising along just fine. Pressures were fine, off pressors. Breathing was pretty good, satting 92-95% on 6L NC. Neutropenic guy. He was in pain on PCA Dilaudid, but said that his pain was the most tolerable that it had been in days...2-3/10 abdominal pain. He was fine. But for some reason I just had a feeling of impending doom.

Around 130a he started c/o SOB and that he felt he wasn't getting enough oxygen. To make a long story short, I called RT and the MD to the bedside, put on a SFM, then a 100% non-rebreather, then we tried him on Bipap b/c he has a hx of OSA. He was satting okay, but he was so cold and had poor peripheral perfusion, so getting an accurate reading was difficult. Then he started turning pale, perfusely diaphoretic, and had decreased mental status. It was decided then that we were going to intubate after his ABG came back with a pH of 6.998. The code was called and he was rapidly intubated. So when I left him he was on 4 pressors: Dopamine, Levophed, Neosynephrine, and Vasopressin. I literally was busy with that guy from 2am til I left giving fluids, titrating gtts, and drawing labs.

So yes. I survived my first code on my own!

FML.

TORN. =/

Oh my new friend told me tonight that I was "so Asian" based on the fact that I told him that I had wonton soup yesterday and pho today. I didn't know I was that Asian. Ha.

I'm sick. And I can't sleep. It's nights like this one that I wish I still had a myspace so I could redo the entire layout at least 2-3 times. haha.

My life is in shambles...

...okay so that may be a little over-dramatic. Everything is going great in my life except one area that only a few know about. AHHH. I think I'm digging myself in a bigger hole and I don't know quite how to get out of it.

OH the things I get myself into...Mary & Caroline know what I'm talking about.